Blogging made me Insecure and Other Awakenings
What was once my passion has arguably become my biggest regret.
Okay, I’m kidding and exaggerating a bit too, but I do have a point to make - pinky promise!
That’s just a mere glimpse of what fuels my drive yet consumes my mind on the daily. Having these thoughts simply clouds my judgement, lowers my self-esteem, and makes me resent myself and my creative side - basically bringing on a slew of problems I don’t necessarily need at the moment or ever for that matter.
I wasn’t always like this, however. At the beginning, I didn’t care who read my blog. I rarely checked my Google Analytics, and couldn’t care less about how many likes I received on a picture. There were even times where I laughed at those who did. For example, my future husband, Justin Bieber, was having an interview in which he mentioned how one of his pictures received 2 million likes and he was wondering why his most recent upload hadn’t done as well. Now typically, I wouldn’t force a chuckle over my husband’s woes in such a manner; however, the thought of him actually contemplating WHY one picture didn't receive 2 million likes as opposed to the other simply baffled me. I couldn't believe it! Yet look at me now - pondering (or more like brooding) over the exact same thing. Unbelievable, right?
It’s funny because I never thought I’d be here. I never thought I’d be that concerned over whether or not folks read, engaged, and enjoyed my content, but guess what? Here I am, unfortunately. Here. I. Am. Painfully stricken with thoughts of “Maybe I should redo my blog template and topics if people don’t want to read what I’m saying. I must smile in all of my pictures because my lips are thin. I better suck in my stomach in my next picture. My side profile would look better if I had a nose job. If only I had higher cheekbones…”
The truth is, I’m passionate about my work and therefore, put lots of effort into it. Due to this work ethic of sorts, I presumably expect a lot out of it in return. This includes increasing my number of followers, subscribers, and positive interactions leading to an expansive influence overall. Of course, this is what any creative wants and longs for, so I’m not alone with this mindset; however, if it comes at the expense of self-doubt and comparing oneself to others, is it really worth it?
The answer is no, but without a dogmatic mother to convince you of such (while subtly threatening you on the side), the propensity to harshly critique yourself and your art becomes more and more imminent. In fact, sometimes it takes an allegiant mom AND fellow alum to coincidentally hit you up when you’re at your lowest revealing just how awesome she thinks your posts are, how she indulges in each one, and hopes you never stop (yeah, that TOTALLY happened and more than brightened my dampened day)!
Needless to say, I’m forever grateful for my mommy and friend, and as a result, I’m avidly working on being less critical of myself. This means constantly reminding myself that I’m NOT running the same race as my counterparts so everyone achieving varied milestones at even more varied time frames is gonna happen and, in fact, should happen. Because let’s face it, we will ALL get our time to shine, especially since having the same folks win would be as boring and rudimentary as the Sun State Warriors taking home the national championship each and every year! ;) But seriously, I’m taking strides in bettering my mindset, believing in myself, and knowing deep down that there are folks out there who really DO enjoy my content, thin lips, pictures, newsletters, cheekbones, posts, side profile, playlists, and the list goes on…!
On a more serious tip…
To my fellow bloggers, vloggers, podcasters, authors, and creatives alike, remain steadfast in your craft. Being discouraged only begets wrinkles, gray hairs, and feelings of discontent over what once brought you so much joy.
If you’re not seeing those numbers increase, continue. If folks don’t watch your uploads, continue. If someone else in the game has surpassed you, continue. There are those who DO appreciate you and your craft and that’s why you mustn’t stop. Nipsey’s marathon must continue and so should yours!
Remember to Live Life, Beautifully ❤️